CT Results Day

So it's March 1st.  We've been having some bad luck for a lot of February.  I was still off post being hit by a double decker bus, we'd lost my old cat, my husband's nana, a friend's mum, another friend's dad diagnosed with leukemia, my boss having bad luck with both her cats (one missing, one having half a tail amputated) and then on the 29th February, we lost Davy Jones of The Monkees fame...surely March was going to be kinder?

Today was CT results day - the day we would find out that it was kidney stones, and my amusement could continue at the thought of him having to pass one..a little pay back for childbirth!

...but it wasn't kidney stones...

...it was a tumour.

A tumour.

It can't be a tumour.  It's not allowed to be.

My husband was still talking, telling me it's "not cancerous" and is "the size of a walnut" and "odds on I'm going to lose that kidney", but only the word tumour is swimming around in my head.

I don't like the word "tumour".  Tumour is the reason a friend of mine has epilepsy.  Tumour is what took away my grandfather and uncle.  Tumour is never followed up by something good.  You never hear someone say "Oh you will never guessed what saved that puppy from drowning...a tumour!!" or "You know what would set off that outfit beautifully? A well set tumour."

What kind of tumour is something we currently don't know.  He is in for a biopsy on the 19th March, pre-biopsy appointment is the 9th.  I'm going along for both.  Another set of ears for the information on what is going to happen next, what has been happening, and what could happen.

In the meantime I have been doing some reading on what it could be, what the tests are, what to expect etc.  He's let me tell a few friends, because, unlike him who keeps things inside when it's stuff like this, I pretty much always wear my heart on my sleeve.  I need those closest to me to talk to so that I can hold it together for him.  It's part of the reason I am writing this, albeit privately, so that I have somewhere I can put down what is happening, how I'm feeling, my/our fears and worries...so that I can release some of the emotions out so I don't cry at the slightest thing.

We've decided not to tell the girls (our daughter, 7, and his two older girls, 17 & 21) at the moment, but are waiting until we know what it is and what will happen.  After all, we can't write things off yet.  The biopsy will tell us more and we can take it from there.

Since we found out we've not had the best sleep.  I don't know about him, but I find it's the first thing I am thinking of when I wake up...that makes it hard to get back to sleep.  There has been a lot more hand holding in our sleep.  I am desperately trying not to think of the worst of things until we know more.

I love him so much...it can't be the worst case scenario...it just can't...life just can't be that cruel.